Atlanta Braves Cyborg Armory Uncovered

Lil’ Tommy Hanson has thrown another gem for the Atlanta Braves. The man child struck out 7 over 6 innings, earning the eigth win of his young career. I’ve studied Lil’ Tommy’s movements carefully as he's matriculated towards Atlanta. I thought I was watching the simple birth of another Atlanta Ace. I couldn't have been more wrong.


It was only after I was able to see him pitch a live game that I realized what the difference was. Compelled by Hanson's indefatigable presence and enthralled by his icy stare, I took a deeper look at the Atlanta system. I uncovered nothing less than a stockpile of evidence, culminating with my inflitration of the Atlanta clubhouse and discovery of a secret project that Bobby Cox and John Schuerholz began as far back as 1988 and have advanced throughout the years towards the creation of a self-regulating biomechanical organism: the T-48.


You've read that right: TOMMY HANSON IS A CYBORG!

Way back in 1988, the home computer was just starting to gain momentum across the country. People were still playing the Oregon Trail on Apple II and the Nintendo home game system was hitting across all of America’s youth. Just as controllers were being plugged in to control Italian plumbers to save a princess and plastic guns being plugged in to learn how to hunt ducks, Bobby Cox was plugging in the right arm and left arm of John Smoltz and Tom Glavine, respectively. Once, in 1987 Phil Niekro accidentally walked in to the underground room in the Atlanta clubhouse and discovered this secret. Phil begged Bobby to turn his body in to this new cybernetic organism, but Bobby declined. Bobby knew it would be a dead giveaway if a 48 year old man, all of a sudden revived his career and started to dominate. This issue also led Bobby Cox to give the cybernetic organism’s only a 20 year battery life. So he began this series of events with Smoltz’s right arm and Glavine’s left.

Over the next handful of years, the project seemed to be working fine. He expanded this testing to some new arms due to John Schuerholz’s suggestion, which eventually led to new advances in the program. In 1990, Schuerholz asked Cox to expand this program to new pitcher Steve Avery, who had some great stuff in the minors, but could use an upgrade. He also asked Bobby to look in to taking some average arms and plugging them in to make them all-star caliber. Bobby did this with some reluctance. Steve put up a great couple years, as well as Kent Mercker, Mike Stanton and Mark Wohlers, but soon those bodies couldn’t handle what the arms were capable of. Cox and Schuerholz now realize that the program will not work turning average arms in to great ones without repercussions soon thereafter. The pitchers body will break down under the massive power of the cybernetic arm. The knowledge has been gained and the next step is advancement. This came in the form of Greg Maddux.

Now, 5 years from Cox’s first experiments, Greg Maddux moves over from the Cubs. He had shown with Chicago that he had the talent, but once he walked in to that Atlanta clubhouse, everything changed. Maddux (nicknamed the Doctor not because of his ability with pitch control, but because he became Cox’s volunteer assistant in the cybernetics division) allowed his own body to be the first to be completely rebuilt in the molds of Glavine and Smoltz arms. Maddux became completely cybernetic while Glavine and Smoltz continued to pitch well with just their arms receiving the upgrade. Maddux anchored the rotation, feeling no pressure from stressfull situations and not having any self doubt over any specific pitch being thrown. Having a cyborg anchor a playoff rotation proved valuable in the form of three World Series appearances, and four National League Championship appearances in the ten years Maddux was with the organization. While Maddux, Glavine and Smoltz were successful missions, other arms were experimented with, and some bodies as a whole as well. Jason Schmidt, Russ Ortiz and Kevin Millwood all had their bodies replaced, just as Greg Maddux. Some were able to hold up for a while, but without proper maintenance, they were unable to achieve the same success. Maddux achieved success after his days in Atlanta due to his ability to perform his own maintenance thanks to his days with Cox in the lab. Glavine eventually came back to try and work on the arm again, but the 20 year window closed on him. Smoltz had to shut it down for a year in order to rewire his arm and now his 20 year window is closing as well. There were failures as well, including Terry Mulholland losing all form of velocity he once had with an accidental absence of elbow wiring, John Burkett was given a defective shoulder muscle plate and John Rocker wanted to have his whole body done, but while attempting to give him the Greg Maddux fearless mind, some wires were crossed and the result was, well… John Rocker.

Over the last couple of years, Cox and new GM Frank Wren have redeveloped the cyborg system. They went back to what had started the successful run. They are taking young pitchers with natural talent and replacing their body structure with machine parts, having them become complete cyborgs, just like Greg Maddux before them. Jair Jurrjens, a fringe starting pitcher from the Tigers was craftily snagged for the aging Edgar Renteria and the Braves quickly transformed him with their new cyborg system. He throws the perfect mix of fastballs (61%), Sliders (15%) and Changeups (24%) with varying speeds. He shows no fear, despite having only a fringe fastball. He has a mound presence like the young Greg Maddux, painting corners of the zone with these varying speeds and sliding the ball out of the zone when the hitter is off balance. Currently, Tim Hudson is almost back from his arm replacement surgery. A year ago, Bobby suggested to Tim to have his arm done just like Smoltz had his redone in 2000. We will see how his new cybernetic arm works in another month. Derek Lowe and Javy Vazquez have yet to transform themselves and it’s possible they will decide not to, but one thing we do know is that the Braves are developing all of their internal talent with the cyborg program. Within the last two years, they have begun this procedure with position players as well. This new era of cyborg’s begins with Jason Heyward and Lil’ Tommy Hanson.

It wasn’t until just recently that I discovered this secret room underneath the Braves clubhouse. There is a switch under Chipper Jones spittoon that releases a hidden door behind the file cabinet in Cox’s office. In this passageway, there is a descending staircase with no hand railing but walls thin enough to touch the whole way down. At the base is a security code box, which I luckily guessed the pin was 1995. It was then that I saw Lil’ Tommy, in a glass case like a modern Dracula. Tubes were pumping oily liquids in to his body and his metal exterior reflecting like a hologram underneath the skin sheath. There were many more coffins, some designated names, others anxiously awaiting their future occupants. Detailed notes outlining this program were in three ring binders, sitting at a large metal desk in the middle of the tomb. Hanson, the T-48, was developed in the lab in 2006 and has shown no weakness since. Killing opposing teams at will. His K/9 is at 6.72 and climbing up to his average 10 K/9 throughout his minor league career. He has four pitches that he mixes well. The slider and changeup both hover around 82 mph, with one diving out of the zone just before the plate. He also has a buckling curve that he can throw for strikes or in the dirt that is 75 mph. Of course, he has the 94 mph fastball just to keep the opponents on their toes. He has the perfect frame and delivery point. This gives little stress on cybernetic body and therefore only minor maintenance is necessary to maintain this humanoid. Occasionally, his programming allows for the opponents to score, not unlike a slot machine. The problem for the opponents is that just like with slot machines in a casino, the house always wins. Lil’ Tommy Hanson is Bobby Cox’s masterpiece. His early work shines in the form of three Hall of Famers, but Hanson is the next generation system. Lil’ Tommy is the future of Braves baseball and a perfect blend of man and machine.

- J Filth